I think I was about 11 years old when I started to realise that I was 'different' in that I fancied the 'wrong' sex. Fortunately for me at that time I wasn't interested in relationships or sex at all as I was preoccupied with reading and doing well at school. The real feeling of shame and the attempts at suppression came in secondary school, no doubt due to the fact I attended an all boys' school. Being in a monosex school confirmed to me that I was gay but it also made me determined to hide it because I was afraid, really afraid, that it would illuminate a huge vulnerability in me and I'd be a prime target for bullying. In actual fact I could have been described as a bully as at times I really wasn't a nice person and I think that was to add another cover to hide my sexuality. Again though, my priorities through secondary school were reading and doing well so all was fine until a wave of hormones came crashing down on me. Of course being in an all boys' school means befriending almost exclusively other boys which was a problem for me because I spent so long hiding who I am, and not just in terms of my sexuality. I was a closed book for a long, long time. It took way too much effort to close to me, the one silver lining from that being that those who made the effort are still good friends and today I hugely respect them.
I came out first to my friends when I was 15 years old and, to my huge relief, they were supportive and my relationships with them didn't change at all. After spending years dreading what other people think of you, the sense of relief I felt sharing something that I was still ashamed about made a huge difference to me and allowed me to be a little more confident and open. As is always the case in school, the news spread like wildfire and soon it was public knowledge but I think I'd left coming out late enough to avoid any form of bullying. There was the odd joke that wasn't appreciated but that's as bad as it got. The worst part about coming out to friends was going further and telling one friend that I'd developed feelings for him and while he didn't take it well at first it ultimately made no difference to our friendship, despite me fawning over him for way too long, and I'm very glad that we're still friends today so lots of well-earned credit for him!
I didn't come out to my mum until I was 18 and I was far enough away in Aberystwyth where I studied. I chickened out and told her by text. She had a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them and although that too was fine and that our relationship never changed, my memory of that moment is tears. I cried so much because for me it was a case of fully exposing my deep, dark secret and the fear of damaging the relationship with my family.
I grew up ashamed of myself, ashamed of my sexuality because I don't remember anything positive about homosexuality, or indeed anything other than heterosexuality, from my childhood. There was absolutely no education about relationships in schools nor was there any information about not being heterosexual. There were no gay adults or gay role models in my life be that in reality or in media, any gay man on TV was a stereotype or a caricature or a victim, someone to be suspicious of or to dislike or to pity. Jokes that today might be considered homophobic were rife and in school anything rubbish or unfair was 'gay', and if that were true then why would I want to be gay?
I spent years hating myself for a variety of reasons, many of which could be linked to my desperation to hide who I am but the world is such a brighter place once you can accept who you are and surround yourself with people who accept and love you too. It's so difficult to describe how difficult that whole 'coming out' period was, particularly to heterosexuals who don't have to 'face up' to who they are because they are the 'norm'. I am happy to say that I got through it and happier still to say that I have the same support network that I can rely on.
There are so many negatives out there for the LGBT community but there so many positives too. The LGBT community are accepted more and more, in some cases slowly but surely. And it is these positives that make me hope that other children don't have to go through what I went through. Yes I was fortunate because I wasn't bullied or ostracised and I am now happy in a gay relationship and I accept who I am. But even now I fear how I am perceived, I fear that I have to meet a homophobe eventually who hurts me either mentally or physically, and those fears are always there, no matter where I am or who I'm with.
I pray that the positives continue and I pray that issues like fear and shame and coming out doesn't haunt children in the future. It took me a long time to get here and I'm proud that I did. A huge thank you to everyone in my life who helped me get here and to everyone else I ask you all to be just a little more aware. Words like 'gay' and 'fruit' and 'fairy' used incorrectly can do untold, unbound damage as can assuming sexuality, whether that's straight or gay or anything else.
If there's anyone out there struggling with their own sexuality, my advice is to reach out. Speak to friends or family or find support locally or online, there's always someone to turn to, and yes, I'm here for you too! You are an amazing person and there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you.
As a final note, I heavily recommend watching Nanette by Hannah Gadsby which is available on Netflix now.
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